My Couples Weekend Away 2019 Experience

We've just returned from NCC Streatham'2019 Couples weekend away and every year just hasn't stopped surpassing the previous for us. The theme this year was THE MISSING LINK and I doubt if any of the around 40 couples in attendance anticipated what we will be finding. 

The weekend started with an unforgettable 5 minutes introduction by Kemi Laleye based on the parable of Jesus about a woman who had 10 coins, lost one and rather than manage with the 9,did everything possible to find the one because without the one, she may be fine but will still be incomplete. She lit a lamp, swept the house, turned things upside down until she found the one, then rejoiced over it with her neighbours.
We were told:

• you need to know you had it for you to even realise its lost, 
• the light though lit to find the missing coin will also exposed other hidden things 
• sweeping the house to find the coin will also consequently result in de-cluttering and 
• in finding it, we need to rejoice, treasure it and ensure we keep it 

 Her introduction was 'rudely' interrupted by one of the participants who claimed she had misplaced her wedding ring 💍 and just didn't mind how everyone including her husband stared at her wondering why the search could not wait. It turned out it was all part of the plot (🤣). What a graphic illustration of a powerful scripture.

Later that night after being treated to a fantastic meal by a chef that had been specifically hired by Hilton to serve our group for the weekend, we were up for an eye opening session by Mrs Dayo Adesina (a marriage counsellor and author).

 She gave us an invaluable insight into how the concept of Birth Order Dymanics and Temperaments plays out in our relationships. 

Wow wow wow, I had never thought of that in the 13 years of being married as a choleric first born to a phlegmatic last born. We felt like our life was placed in a mirror right in front of us. As she took us through the strengths and weaknesses of each temperament, I saw everything I have complained about in my spouse, why he responds the way he does and the impact of the weaknesses of my temperament on him too. 

We were told not to underestimate the power of the Holy spirit to help us as we take steps to overcome those weaknesses. I left that night with a very clear understanding of who my husband really is and a deep sense of empathy for him for how we have both ignorantly played out the weaknesses associated with our birth order and temperaments. 

Now the lamp had been lit, it was time to start sweeping our house. The next morning, Men and women were separated though not into set groups and everyone completed a gap analysis and scored their marriage (from their point of view) around 8 core elements of a successful marriage namely : Trust, Support, Partnership, Togetherness, Conflict management, Emotional intimacy, Chemistry, Warmth and Affection.

Although it was completed independent of spouses, the side comments from the different tables quickly showed that a lot was being uncovered not just about spouses but about the person completing the survey. When the time came for Couples to come together for a 1-to-1 discussion of the results, it was impossible to ignore the comments like, 'oops I hope I'd be allowed into bed tonight; results are out, we now face the music. Although passed in light humour, we knew it was coming from a place of discovery. 

Couples had their one to one discussing their missing links and putting an action plan together. 

The organisers decided to run a poll analysing the collective strengths and weaknesses of our marriages and it was impressive that Boundaries, Joint decision making , Solidarity topped our strengths. I know I shouldn't be too surprised about that as this was a group of Christian couples but somewhere at the back of mind I actually didn't think we would be that strong on those elements. That gave me hope that Christian marriages are still standing and can continue to stand.

             

 Then came the result on our weaknesses as a group and words like Time, Romance, Enrichment and Conversation/active listening topped the list. 

We had an open group discussion with questions, answers around these aspects with my learning being: 

• Harness the power of community 
• Make time adjustment and set a suitable routine 
• Be intentional about removing distractions and giving undivided attention 
• Make your spouse and your relationship your top priority
• Use of topic cards where conversation have become difficult.
• Start with baby steps for a start and watch it grow 
• Allow free access and free exit in conversations 
• Trust your spouses intentions 
• Always remember why you fell in love in the first place

 After a luscious lunch and a break we returned in the afternoon for a session that was going to blow our minds. A wheel of names with names of every couple present was displayed on the screen. When the wheel spun it stopped on a couple and they came out to share a life experience of how they had at any point lost something in their marriage and their journey to where that are right now.

Now when you do such a thing you don't have a clue who will be sharing so that was a big risk taken by the organisers. To our amazement each time the wheel spun there was an amazing story :

•  Couple 1 married for over 20yrs shared the impact of live-in extended family on their relationship and their journey to rediscovering one another. 
•  Couple 2 married for 19yrs shared how they journeyed from a season of conflicts and a 'divorce is an option' mindset set to developing a deep sense of commitment to their relationship and one another. 

Then came the big bang, 

•  Couple 3 married for 34years shared the story of their seemingly irreversible journey through childlessness for 23years, an extramarital affair that resulted in a child out of the marriage yet by the help of the Holy spirit how they were able to turn things around. Their journey of forgiveness, healing and restoration was remarkable and the icing on the cake was God giving them a beautiful daughter in their 23rd year. I could not help mention that it was divine arrangement that the wheel stopped on couple 3. Prior to the event, this couple had been approached to be testifiers but they declined because they didn't think their story was ready to be shared. The husband had come in late for the session and their name appeared on screen less than a minute after he made his way into the hall. Now I call that the hand of God and not just a coincidence. 

 By the time couple 3 finished, you could slice the atmosphere in the room. It was emotionally charged and tears in some faces. It was just the right time to stop and pray and retreat with our partners to reflect on everything we've learnt since Friday.

It didn't end there, we then all had the next 3-4hrs to enjoy the facilities, do our thing before returning at 7pm for a couples appreciation dinner night. 

We were treated to a 3 course dinner, with a brilliant saxophonist playing in the background.it was a very romantic atmosphere and before you knew it guys were coming out to openly render love songs to their wives and vice versa. I couldn't believe the lyrics coming out from the archives. It was just so beautiful. There was games, appreciation time and the night ended with a brilliant DJ stepping up the gear with nice dance-able music.

 This is just my account as one of 40 couples who enjoyed a fab weekend away and all couldn't stop talking about how great a time it had been. As you would imagine there could be even 39 more beautiful accounts of this weekend. It was time worth it, money well spent and a huge and worthy investment into our marriage. 

 The NCC Streatham Couples Weekend Away is organised by the Family unit of New Covenant Church Streatham. The event holds annually on the 2nd weekend of July and is open to anyone, Christians, non Christians, members and non-members of the New Covenant Church. For more information about the next weekend away contact familygroup@nccstreatham.org.uk 


Opeyemi Fadipe
16th July 2019